Posts Tagged ‘Food’

Cooking Something (anything!) Up

So apparently Mark thinks Brian doesn’t know how to cook.

Me (trying to lure Mark to help with dinner):  “Come on, kid, I’ll show you how to make pesto.”

Mark:  “Why?”

Me:  “Someday you will need to feed yourself.”

Mark:  “I already know how to make ramen.”

Me:  “You might want to eat something besides ramen.”

Mark:  “I LIKE ramen.”

Me:  “Fine.  But someday you may want to impress a girl, and we love guys who cook.”

Mark:  “Then why doesn’t Dad know how?”

Since I’m leaving Friday and will be gone for a week, Mark’s belief in his father’s inability to navigate the kitchen has moved from a curiosity to a source of grave concern.

Monday.

Mark:  “I think we should go to the grocery store.”

Me:  “Why?”

Mark:  “We need some frozen dinners.”

Me:  “Why?”

Mark:  “So I can eat while you’re gone.”

Me:  “Dad can cook.”

Mark:  “I think it would be a good idea to have some frozen dinners.”

Tuesday.

Mark:  “I think we should go to the grocery store and get some frozen dinners.”

Me:  “YOUR FATHER KNOWS HOW TO COOK.”

Mark decides to stay silent but is obviously skeptical.

Wednesday.

[We are at the grocery store filling a prescription]

Mark:  “While we are here, I think we should get some frozen dinners.”

Me:  “You know, I have successfully left children alone with your father and none of them died of starvation.”

Mark:  “I DON’T WANT TO DIE AND I DON’T WANT TO EAT RAMEN FOR A WHOLE WEEK.  Can we PLEASE get some frozen dinners?”

Meditations upon the Potential IQ of a Peach (I mean Nectarine)

Me:  “I’m going to have a nectarine for a snack.  Mark, do you want a nectarine?  I can cut it up for you.”

Mark:  “I don’t like nectarines.”

Me:  “Nectarines are bald peaches.  You like peaches.  You would probably like nectarines.”

Mark:  “I don’t like nectarines.”

[same conversation repeats with Kate]

I cut up one nectarine.

Mark:  “Hey!  That looks like a peach.  Can I have a piece?”

Me:  “Go ahead.”

Mark:  “It TASTES like a peach.  Can I have one?  I guess I like nectarines.”

Me:  “Okay.”

[same conversation repeats with Kate]

Kate:  “I wonder how smart a peach would be if its pit were a brain.”  [holding up the pit]  “It’s pretty big compared to the whole peach.”

Mark:  “However smart it would be, it wouldn’t be smarter than ME.”

Kate:  “Smarter than you as you are, and as it is, or smarter relative to size?  Your brain compared to your body, and its brain compared to it?”

Mark:  “Either way.  I would be smarter than a PEACH either way.”

Kate:  “It’s a nectarine.”

Urban Child Meets Rural Upbringing

Kate:  “There were five deer in own backyard.”

Me:  “And apparently they like daylilies.  They’re chomped down to the roots.”

Kate:  “They must taste good.”

Me:  “I expect they taste good.”

Kate (horrified):  “Do you mean…the deer?”

Me:  “Yup.”

Kate (even more horrified):  “You’ve eaten deer???”

Me:  “Yup.  My dad made deer and pork sausage one year.  It was excellent.”

Kate:  “That’s disgusting.”

I have bad news for this kid.  She obviously doesn’t remember it, but she’s eaten deer too…

Gum

Me (having discovered a plop of gum on the living room floor):  “WHO HAD GUM?  YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE GUM IN MY HOUSE!  BECAUSE THIS SORT OF NONSENSE HAPPENS!”

I round up the usual suspects.  The usual suspects, as usual, plead innocence and/or utter ignorance.

Kate:  “Not me.  I don’t even LIKE gum.”

Mark:  “I had gum.”

Me:  “OH?”

Mark:  “But not in the living room.  In the sandbox.”

Me:  “WHAT?”  (a pause whilst I think through what he said.)  “Where is that gum now?”

Mark:  “I dropped it IN the sandbox.”

Me (attempting calm, but having visions of him plucking up sand-covered gum to chew again.)  “Then what?”

Mark:  “Kate made me throw it out.”

Whew.  At least SOMEONE has developed some common sense.

 

Feeding Gollum

The Hobbit:  An Unexpected Journey came out on DVD recently.  Amazon shipped my copy pronto.

Every meal since has included this exchange:

Mark:  “Is it tasty?”

Kate:  “Is it juicy?”

Mark:  “Is is scrumptious?”

Both laugh maniacally.

 

Mark Disabuses Me of Culinary Delusions

So I made potato soup and challah for dinner last night.  I thought it turned out pretty well.  Not a universal opinion, apparently.

Mark:  “This bread is crunchy.  Is bread supposed to be crunchy?”

Me:  “Hush up and eat your dinner.”

Mark:  “I can finish my kool-aid in one gulp.”

Me:  “Should that be your new nickname?  ‘One-Gulp'”?

Mark:  “No.  ‘Stew-slinger.'”

Me:  “Stew-slinger?”

Mark:  “Yes.  This is why I want you to show me how to cook soup.  It will be useful on the battlefield.”

Me:  “How?” (I’m all impressed.  He’s thinking about operational logistics.  A warrior’s gotta eat, ya know.)

Mark:  “I will throw it at my enemies.”

Breakfast Battles

I pass out vitamins.

Kate:  “Octopus.”

Mark:  “Drat!  Fish.”

I realize then…they’re imaging who’d win a cage match between their vitamin animals.

Mark (not willing to give up):  “A fish with a laser.”

Kate:  “Eight legs.  Octopus still wins.”

Mark:  “Hmph.”

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